My ending to the story.

Dug out old English books from last year.
Decided to write down some of my stories, here's one from our 'mystery story' writing:

The woods were blurring, though I could see the unique trees. Some puddles of dirt were flying next to me. Suddenly I began hypoventilating. Curses for athsma,cruel thing. But I couldn't stop now. I saw them getting closer and close, they could run equally as fast. In a flash I reached for my inhaler. I put it to my mouth and pressed the cold, metal topped button. Instantly I breathed in the white powder.
The trees stopped blurring, and the puddles were at a stand still, oh no, I'd stopped running. The silhouettes of the three figures were getting closer. I yelled, anything, anybody should hear me and rescue me from them.
They crept closer, never saying a word. I quickly spun behind the moss-covered tree, panting I got out my mobile. Oh great, no signal. If only I had a flare gun, from one of those old-fashioned black-and white films.
I was brought back to reality by a voice, a voice calling my name.
"Echo, Echo, where are you?"
I shuddered. I had heard that calling many times before, it sounded like some girl, taunting me. It just had to be the shadows calling my name. I slid down the tree, getting my breath back.
I decided I couldn't stay here for long, that way they'll know I'm in this part of the forest. I got ready to make a run for it, deeper into the forest where no one has been before.
Suddenly I heard giggling, and then a dark patch fell on the tree. They were so close behind me. I counted under my breath from ten.
"ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!!!"
I began running faster than I had ran before, keeping my inhaler at hand in case of emergencies. Suddenly a branch caught me by surprise, and the next thing I knew I was lying in a pool of sickly red scarlet liquid. I thought, hey, this wasn't here before. My mouth fell open, in doing so I got a whole taste of the red scarlet liquid.
My head began spinning, I knew this taste from my childhood. Ambling in smaller woods, then stumbling upon a rock. My hand would graze and pour out the red liquid. I would then lick the cut clean, as I had seen my cat, Charlie, do.
I came back to the present and instantly felt ill, for the liquid I had tasted was....Blood!
I gasped and scrambled to get up, but my foot was stuck fast under a tree root, I pulled on my leg as hard as I could, but my foot was stuck fast.
Suddenly I saw a bright light shining at my eyes.
Was I dead? No it was the shadows... But wait I heard a voice that sounded like my dad's voice, it was saying,
"Echo, son are you here?"
I couldn't take any risks. I began counting again,
"ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!"
I jumped from behind the tree, but of course my foot let me down and I was pulled down, face first into a pile of leaves. The breath was knocked out of me. I was winded badly.
"Mom, dad."
I heard footsteps coming closer. I still flinched I might've flinched because of the pain. Or I thought the shadows would find me.
All of a sudden I saw my dad's face. It was red and deeply aged. He said in a cross tone of voice,
"Echo, why did you run away from home again?"
When I was about to answe, my mom's face came into view, she looked, again, deeply aged but concerned, she said,
"Echo are you alright, your foot, it's twisted back!"
She and my dad gasped, because indeed, my foot was in a state.
"Son, let's get you to the hospital, then you are in a lot of trouble young man!"
My mother nodded fast. My father lifted me up in his arms and began to find the route out of the forest.
A hospital night over and I found myself in my own bed, my head propped up by at least three pillows. I grinned, no more creepy shadows, hopefully.
My mom crept into my roon, she had tied her blonde hair up in a bun and was wearing a very floral dress.
"Dear, pancakes are on the table!"
She smiled in an awkward way.
"yeah, thanks mom!"
I couldn't believe she would make me get out of bed for school in this state. I carefully hoisted myself up out of my blue, skateboard-patterned bed and began to rummage around my room.
Finally I had found my best pair of knee-ripped jeans and a black and red striped jumper.
I put them on eagerly, as I was short of time.
I raced out of my room and was carefull of my foot.
It was in a cast and prevented me from going too fast.
On the way down to the breakfast room, I looked into the mirror. And back, stared a brown haired boy in his late teens with blushing cheeks.
I continued to the breakfast room and arrived just in time to see dad leaving the house.
Leaving this early?
I looked at the pink clock and yelped. Time for school!!
I had no time for pancakes. I got up and hobbled over to my skateboard., oh damn, can't ride it to school!
I grabbed my back-pack and clambered out into the open world.
It looked like such a nice day, but the wrong time to notice the surrounding beauty of the suburbs.
Oh sugar! The bus was at the sto, about two or three houses down, I will never reach it in time!
I hobbled as fast as I coul. But it was too late, the bus had disapeared around the bend.
I groaned and slid down the brick wall. My parents'll kill me.
Suddenly I heard a few girl-like giggles, oh no.. It couldn't be could it?
I saw the shadows fall against the brick wall.
I gasped... School will have to wait! I began limping around the corner down a dark alley way. the laughing was getting louder, louder still.
I prayed, please don't chase me into the forest.
Oh no, dead end!
I pressed my back against the wall.
the laughing was getting nearer. Suddenly my mobile began to ring. Oh no, my parents got a phone call from school.
I picked the mobile up and pressed it to my ear.
It certainly was my parents. My mom sounded anxious.
"Echo, why aren't you at school?"
the shadows were appearing around the corner.
"No time, shadows!"
I heard my mum sigh deeply.
"LEt me guess, alley way?"
I gasped, how did she know?
"Look, me and some.... Friends'll come and get you, wait there, you hear me Echo?"
The phone cut off. I cowered, the laughter was loud and the shadows filled the corner wall.
Suddenly I heard a car pull up outside the alley way. Footsteps, then my mum appeared.
Before she said a word. Two, big men in white coats appeared at her side.
"Mom...."
Her eyes were watery.
"There he is!"
She let them at me.
A struggle... A car journey and a month passed and here I am, in a steel cell. I feel like a zoo animal. My mom didn't tell me where I am, but I'm guessing an asylum.
I slumped against the wall, sure the shadows were real, for they visit me every night.
But the whole place hears me screaming.
They are real.....They must be.






END


Teacher comment: Excellent writing, Katherine. You use a lot of techniques to interest the reader. Try not to overuse 'suddenly' as a sentance opener, and remember to write lower case 'p' so that its tail drops below the line.

Peer assesser(Sam): I loved the book so much I would buy it for £10.00! I would keep this story forever so when you're older you can publish it. I would give this book 10000/10 and an A+++++++++++++!



Feel free to comment. I need at least one comment. Don't care if it's critesisem. Just so I can write up the next story and know you are reading and enjoying.

Ah well. I do it anyway.

Diary entry may 23rd 2006.

My tensions were high.
Was that the postman? Early in the morning?
I raised from the maroon computer chair. But my older sister had beat me there.
I heard her voice echo down the carpeted hall.
"Yeah, thanks, bye!"
She slammed the door shut and she pushed a brown box with the logo 'play.com', all over it.
I looked up at Rose, my sister.
I could read her face. Excitement. She nodded at me,
"Go on, open it!"
My hands trembled as I went past the wrapping.
I felt something hard. I raised both my hands to produce two, shiny new video games.
This is what I had been waiting for all week.
Teacher comments: None.

the first night, stranded on an island.

day1.

We had entered a competition as a class of sixteen.
And luckily we had won! Yay!
But then we had to get on a plane in order to fly to the 'mystery' island. Ooh so scared, not! Anyway I stepped into the plane and got the best seat! In the cut off, V.I.P area.
Everyone else disapeared as I shut the door. Oh how I felt excited. the feeling of coming home to see my family!
I suddenly felt a lurch and the plane set off on its course to the 'mystery' island.
Mum packed extra food just in case I got hungry. Wonder what she gave me?
Rifling through my bag I found a cheese sandwich!
Yum.
A few hours later, we were cruising over the sea. It wasn't such a good view seeming as there was a storm going on.
Suddenly there was a crash and a few screams as the cockpit was struck. I felt a sudden lurch as the plane began doing a nose dive for the ocean. As if it seemed bad enough the lights flickered and died. I unbuckled the seat belt but I was too late. There was a jerk and a loud crashing noise as we hit water.
Stupid me to open a window to get fresh air in! Water began to fill up the cabin.
I screamed but icky seawater filled my mouth. Lucky me, sounded like no one else was here. I broke through the window.
How scared I was to find the island up in front of me. So this is 'mystery' island.
I swam towards it..Maybe the class is already there. I felt scared and alone. But tired from swimming. Must...Sleep.... It all went black for a while.

The first day.

The heat was unbearable and I felt something wet and warm on my cheek. Where am I? Is it my cat magic begging me for food?
My eyes creaked open from the darkness and I gasped, for my eyes hit directly at a wolf's face. Wolves=Danger. I slid up from my position and realised it was all coming back to me. The plane crash... Falling asleep on a giant rock ETC.
The wolf was still lingering about. I waved my hands in a shooing motion. But as I did there was a loud and painful click as my wrist went limp. A pang of being frightened came to me. It came in waves that made me feel sick.
Who was to tend to my wound? Where is my mum? These questions haunted me. As well as, 'where the hell are my classmates?'
I didn't like the look of the island one bit.The way the snowy mountain bore down on me like my mum when I ate the cake!
The wolf was coming close again, its tail between it's legs. The eyes were ever so watery. I felt like I was going to stroke it....NO! Remember the survival guide! Never stroke wolves or you will become a wreck of blood. (XD)
But it looked so cute....
Ignore the wolf and maybe it'll go away.
I got up, careful not to push my wrist down. And I began to take in all my surroundings.
The towering, snowy mountain. The rocky area and the dark forests or pine trees. How am I going to survive? As well as that, I was hungry. If only I hadn'tve drunken my coke and eaten my sandwich.
Of course there was wildlife, but I didn't like eating live meat.
This place looked ever so dangerous... But exciting. It could be a scene from a James Bond film. Or a french flick.
As my mind was deep in thought I was woken up by the smell of deoderant. h but that wasn't my deoderant.
Other people? No musn't risk it... But only people can buy it in supermarkets!
I grabbed a near by pointy stick just in case. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the wolf following me. Must ignore. I carried on towards the stronger smell.
There was a clearing. A really big clearing. and there I discovered Gemma, Sam and Sophie!
I screamed out,
"HEY GUYS!"
They seemed to be crowding around something. None of them moved, but Gemma beckoned me over. She said in a low whisper,
"Hey, we thought you were dead! But what happened to us was we crawled out from the sinking plane, followed by a lone wolf! Then we found him in the clearing."
Gemma stepped aside and I saw who 'him' was. Ther ein a wreck on the floor was Ross.
I kicked him, there came a moan.
Sophie yelled to me,
"Stoppit! He's hurt! Now if you're gonna be no help then go sit down!"
I sighed and curled up.

Describing the island.

I am standing on the highest point of the island. On the rickety, tall mountain.
I was amazed by seeing the amount of deep snow that covered part of the island. How could the animals survive like this?
They must have VERY thick coats!
I saw dense amounts of forests and marsh-land. I saw a few bunnies hop out of the snow-covered holes. And a set of badgers eating at a tiny bit of vegitation.
Then I looked over to the east and saw a cliff. But from there I looked over the sea water and saw seats floating above the calm seas. that must've been where the plane sunk!
I looked over to the west and saw a snow blizzard area. My eyes had only just become adjusted to the blinding whiteness. My head spun. My neck ached, quickly I thought of a name for the island. After a few minutes.... Eureeka! I've got it! Snowy Island!!!!!!



COMMENTS PLS PLS PLS PLS!

Villain and atmosphere:

The girl stood all alone, in this darkened place she had blonde hair and blue eye, they were like crystals. She wore a night dress that was white and immaculate. She stared at you, as all around her was wreckage. Fired and debri. limp bodies and blood spattered walls. Suddenly her eyes turned red and she said in a freak voice,
"I didn't do it!"



Scene setting:

The scene was ghastly. People would've been stricken by the sight of white, scabby hands popping from out of the water.
A wreckage, debri everywhere. No people in sight apart from the pale hands bobbing up and down on the murky waves.
The water was so dark it was like an abyss. It looked like the sight of a war. But really is was a natural disaster.
The paint was peeling off the metal cruise ship. Blood infested the water. The sharks will come soon. The blood floated up near an iceberg.
The top was clean off and it had disapeared inside the ship.
In black painting were the words, 'SS Titanic.'

An unfortunate event

The walk through the graveyard was always tedious for Mitchel, Lilly and Quincy. There would never be a break from sadness or unfortunate events.
These three were very unlucky and would endlessly be blamed for things they did not do. This story is not about sugar, spice and all things nice. (Teacher comment: Oh dear!) It is about hate, cruelty, torcher and betrayal.
If you are looking for a book about teenage confessions, then give this book away, for we are going to begin the story about these three teenagers. (Teacher comment: Not quite so clear)
The graveyard echoed as hooting of owls and the occassional meow of a cat errupted. The trees branch's were like fingers and the shadows looked like hooded figures. The path's gravel crunched as Lilly, Mitchel and Quincy ran up it.
Ocassionally Lilly's blonde hair got caught by the black-fingered trees. (Teacher Comment: Lovely atmosphere+Detail)
Quincy and Mitchel dodged inbetween the gravestones, the people buried under, long forgotten. Suddenly Quincy heard a yelp from the gravelled path and Mitchel had stopped dead in his path.
Everything happened at once, talking and moaning at the same time, Quincy did not kneel down beside the fallen person, he stood overhead.
"Lilly, are you alright?"
Mitchel's voice came from next to Lilly. She had supposedly tripped over the gravel because just behind her were crimson-coloured pebbles. (Teacher Comment: Oh dear!)
"I'm not sure, I haven't checked the wound yet."
Lilly raised her skirt up a little and showed a big bloody gash. (Teacher comment: YUCK!) The crimson liquid pouring out. Mitchel looked up at Quincy in a needing way. His long hair flicking in the wind.
"Quincy, please pass me your scarf, Lilly looks badly hurt."
Quincy looked at the gash and smiled a very sly smirk indeed.
"She doesn't need it."
Mitchel snapped back.
"Quincy you berk, give us that scarf!"
Quincy widened his eyes. How dare Mitchel call him that. He may be rich, very much, but he isn't a berk!
"Fine, have it."
He tore it from his neck.
"I'm going to my house. Get out of here or I'll get the hounds on you!" (Teachercomment: Hmm, very American sounding)
Mitchel looked up. Quincy was more of a jerk than usual...What gives?
Mitchel watched Quincy charge towards his gothic mansion. He then focused on tying a knot with the scarf.
Quincy slammed the door and sighed. Home..No idiots to tell me what to do.
Quincy's footsteps echoed across the wooden floor boards. (Teacher comment: Careful with your paragraphing.)









I WILL CONTINUE WHEN I GET ONE COMMENT DX
THIS STORY CONTINUES ONLY IF I GET A COMMENT.

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