The Revolutionary Diet.
This incredible diet will enable you to gain 40 pounds in ONE DAY!
Here's a days pickings:
Breakfast:
Assuming you've eaten your way through a packet of super-sized crisps beforehand, get those pots and pans out, it's time for a full fat English Breakfast!
Mmm! Hear that fat sizzling in the pan? Gorgeous. That's the sound of life, you hear me?
Yeah, we're frying at least half a dozen pieces of bread here, you may need more than one pan, but hey, fried bread offers the best fat around! Watch as the liquidised fat oozes it's way in to the bread.. mmm.
Make sure you've fried two eggs in as much oil as you can, and take out your sausages from the oven. Put four of them on your plate and eat them WHOLE. Do the same with the eggs and the bread, don't even cut it up!
IMPORTANT NOTE: Left over oil from chip shops is cheap, and super useful to get that full fat flavour. Bon apitit!
Lunch:
Ah, lunch! But! Before you munch your way through our next appetiser, you MUST have eaten at least another 50g of saturated fat in snacks, or else the diet will not have the chance to take effect! Cheese and full fat dairy products are great! Real killers!... Did I say killers?
Now, get bread and fry it again. You heard me, FRY IT! Whilst doing so, go out in to town and buy yourself a packet of four scotch eggs. These are your key ready-made fat gainers!
By the time you get back, your bread will either be burnt, or fatified. Take them out whatever the case, and slap on a load of lovely creamy melted Camembert! Delicious! You can melt it in the microwave for easy access to the lovely.. creamy.. interior...
Now, eat up! Wash all of that down with a pint of chocolate milkshake and a few dozen chocolate chip cookies will go nicely!
IMPORTANT: Remember to get the oil cheap at your local chip shop!
Dinner:
Oh, is it dinner time already? I didn't realise, I was too busy watching TV and chomping through a load of blue cheese and crackers.
TV dinner, ah, gorgeous. Want to make your own? With FULL FAT?!
Right, then get off your backside, then plonk it down in a car again. Ask your parents to drive you to your school, and then steal all the leftover lunch-scraps. Mm! Yup, that's what they're made of, TV dinners!
Slap all that lovely, gooey, bacteria ridden gunk onto two plates, and then pour pure oil onto it! But REMEMBER, you need two plates full of the stuff to get the full potential of the gunk. Get a mega sized portion of cheesy chips from where you've been buying all that oil, I'm sure they'll be more than happy to get rid of you and your sweaty self.
IMPORTANT: Get some more oil whilst you're there.
Bedtime:
Eat any leftover food in the house, even if it's got mould growing on it. Really, everything's got fat in it!
Boy, you must be tired. Climbing those stairs is the hard part. But remember, you're due for a heart attack in less than 4 hours, so make sure you're tucked in nicely for a nice death!
Have a nice day! (Or night even)
Sun Sep 06, 2009 6:20 pm