$2.60 JANUARY 2009 #2 ROCKIN PEARLZ Magazine

LIFE'S A BEACH, & THEN THERE'S PIE

5 PEARL ROBINSON BAND CRUSOE
The Rockin' Pearlz find themselves in deep water after Sam suggests that Kiha read to the band, proving the rule that the film (or comic!) is never as good as the book - this story is (ship) wrecked! Will the Pearl band crusoe ever escape their isolated practise room? Can Sam kick her electrig guitar grog addiction? What is Mr Explosions dark secret?

26 ROCKIN' PEARLZ IMAGE
Made from 100% recycled pixel fibre - make sure you dont miss out on this free image!

36 PEARLZ MULTIPLEX
We'd like to thank the academy, god, our parents, the wonderful manager, all the band (except the donkeys) and, er, the readers!

40 CAPTION COMPETITION
NEW! NEW! NEW! Get with the funny! Think you've got what it takes to turn out a rib-tickler?

42 PEARL CABLE NETWORK
It's enough to threaten Crabs' precious ratings - more terrestrial T.V. Twaddle!

44 JUNK MAIL
Querulous questions answered and scandalous sniping assured it can only be junk mail dudette.

DON'T MISS YOUR CHANCE TO WIN A PEARLZ DIGO TIN! P48

"Let's all do something together this evening, like a nice normal band." Sam said, walking in.
"Oh no! Not another night of band togetherness!" Kiha groaned.
"But, Sam! I'm right in the middle of a comic book!" Mewcutie groaned.
"And I just started reading this terrific story-swiss family robinson by johann david wyss." Behoimi exclaimed, holding up the book.
"Well, then, why dont we have kiha read it aloud to the whole band?" Sam suggested, staring into space. "But I'm not done with my after dinner snackwich." Kiha said, looking at sam.
"Better read than fed, Kii." Said mewcutie, waggling her finger.
"Great idea, Sam!" Said Behoimi, handing Kiha her book.
"Awww!" Kiha said, sweating and face palming.

"Oh, all right." Kiha said, putting on her reading glasses, she started to read.
"You expect me to slog through 384 pages of this?!" Kiha said, raising her glasses and groaning. "Come on! We want to hear the story!" Behoimi yelled, frowning. "Don't be a deadbeat, Ki!" Mewcutie said, frowning as well.
"Okay. But I have a MUCH better version of this story out in the garage." Kiha said, walking out of the concert room.

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

"It's one of my CLASSICALLY ILLUSTRATED COMICS from when I was a girl!" Kiha said, holding up a comic book.
"A comic book?" Behoimi groaned, folding her arms over her chest.
"NOW you're talking!" Mewcutie grinned, showing her full teeth and pointing at Behoimi.
"AHEM! 'Chapter One...'" Kiha said, laying back and starting to read.

CLASSICALLY ILLUSTRATED
Butchering stories by the world's greatest authors
PEARL FAMILY ROBINSON CRUSOE
No.2 15c
PUBLISHED 6d MONTHLY

PEARL FAMILY ROBINSON CRUSOE
Being a tale of shipwreck and survival on an uninhabited concert room with an account of their strange deliverance back into civilization. As told by Miss Kiha herself.

Miss Kiha
The Noble Patriarch

Mother Samantha
The Brave Bandgoer

Mistress Mewcutie
The spirited young missy

Miss Behoimi
The clever little lass

The Randomer
The Mysterious Hotdog

THE SEKURA IN ARMS

The Manager
A disgrace to managers everywhere

"On the dark and stormy night of January 8th 2009, our practice hall, tempest-tossed by raging winds, was blown off it's concert. The crowd, booing with petulance, wanted nothing more than to splatter our mortal souls on destinys cold floorboards." Kiha read, getting into the story.

"FOR SIX LONG DAYS WE FLOUNDERED, HELPLESS AT THE MERCY OF NATURE'S NAKED FURY."

"It's thursday already? Seems more like wednesday..." A fan gulped, leaning over the side of the concert boat thingi.

"ON THE SEVENTH DAY, THE HALL BEGAN TO BREAK APART."

"Well, Samanthaette, here's that crowd-view stateroom that you always wanted." Kiha said, still in bed, being nearly swept away by the waves of 'the crowd'.

"OVERTAKEN BY PANIC, THE BAND COMMENCED TO ABANDON CONCERT..."

"Dudette, I am so outta here," Said one of the fans, rowing away. "Aye, aye. Yee haw!" Said a cowgirl fan, jumping aboard.

"...AND TO ABANDON MANAGER HOTDOG AS WELL."

"Wait! What about 'teenagers first'?" Behoimi cried, watching the manager swim away. "So sue me." The manager said, rowing away.

"THE MASTS GONE OVERBOARD, THE DECK WAS A RATS' NEST OF RIGGING AND SHIVERED TIMBERS. I SANK INTO DESPAIR AT THE SIGHT OF MY BELOVED BAND IN THE MIDST OF SUCH FRIGHTFUL CALAMITY."

"COWABUNGA!" Yelled mewcutie, swinging across. "WOO-HOO!" Yelled Behoimi, diving in.

"DOOMED THOUGH WE WERE, MY DEAR LEADER BRAVELY GATHERED THE BAND ROUND HER, REASSURING THEM WITH CALM AND COURAGEOUS WORDS. AND I, TOO, TOOK COMFORT IN HER FORTITUDE."

"Who wants gum?" Samantha yelled, shaking the wrappers around on the bed. "I do! I do!" Kiha yelled, grabbing for the gum.

"BUT I DIGRESS. FOR FIRST I MUST TELL HOW WE CAME TO BE BOUND UPON THIS PERILOUS JOURNEY."

"I do! I do!"

"IN THE SPRING OF 2009, I SET DOWN A PLAN TO TAKE MY ADORING BAND ON A MOST EXTRAVAGANT HOLIDAY."

"Here's one: 'See the pyramids along the nile! Prices start at $500.'". Samantha said, turning towards Kiha and waving the paper. She was sitting infront her dressing room mirror, doing her hair. "$500 to see some pointy piles of old rocks?" Kiha said, pausing and thinking.

"AFTER CONSIDERABLE ASSESSMENT I CONCLUDED THAT A SEA CROSSING WOULD DO WONDERS TO STIMULATE THE MIND AND INVIGORATE THE BODY."

"Here we go: 'Why sail in comfort when you can sail in style? Royal duchess cruises starting at only $100.'" Kiha said, reading off the booklet.

"AND THUS I SETTLED UPON A VOYAGE ABOARD THE ROYAL DUCHESS DISASTRESS."

"ALTHOUGH THE DISASTRESS WAS THE CRUISE LINE'S MOST LUXURIOUS VESSEL, OUR CRAMPED QUARTERS ABOARD SHIP WERE A FAR CRY FROM OUR STATELY PRACTICE HALL IN THE PEARLZ TOWN."

"HUMPH! The brochure distinctly said 'ocean view stateroom.'" Samantha said, tossing and turning in her bed, and looking at the dripping cealing. "Look! You can see the ocean through this crack in the hull!" Kiha said, pointing to a crack in the wall.

"IN ACCORDANCE WITH OUR POSITION IN TV, WE WERE INVITED TO DINE AT THE MANAGER'S TABLE."

"BRRAP! Easy on the food, bandgoers! What goes down must come up! Ha ha!" The manager said, burping and patting his belly.

"THERE WAS ONE OTHER FAN AT THE CAPTAINS TABLE, A MYSTERIOUS HOTDOG WHO WAS QUITE EVASIVE ABOUT HIS FIELD OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY."

"Tell us, hotdog, what be your line of songs?" Said the manager, burping, winking and eating at the same time. "Uh...Um..." The hotdog mumbled, adjusting his glasses.
"Pardon me, young LAY-DEE, but...could you pass the sodium chloride, please?" The hotdog asked, pointing to Behoimi. "You mean the table salt? Here." Behoimi said, taking the salt and handing it over.

"AFTER DINNER MRS. SAMANTHA AND I TOOK PLEASURE IN A QUIET STROLL ON DECK, DRINKING IN THE PULCHRITUDINOUS DELIGHTS OF THE OPEN CROWD."

"JUST THEN THE WEATHER STARTED GETTING ROUGH..."

SPLOSH!

"THE SAILING SHIP WAS TOSSED."

"I'm getting deja vu all over again." Said a fan, puking over the side of the hall.

"IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE OF THE FEARLESS CREW, THE DUCHESS DISASTRESS WOULD BE LOST."

"Be sure to save your receipts. You're entitled to a full refund!" Called the manager, swimming away.
"Let's see..I think that about covers everything... Now my story picks up where it left off with that gigantic wave about to break over the hall." Kiha said, intently getting into the book.

"GADZOOKS! IT WAS A MIGHTY BLOW! SURELY WE WERE DESTINED TO DROWN IN DAVY JONES' LOCKER!"

SPA-LOOSH!

"BY THE PROVIDENCE OF NEPTUNE, WE INSTEAD FOUND OURSELVES WASHED UPON A FOG ENSHROUDED ROOM."


"THANKFUL THOUGH I WAS FOR MY FAMILY'S DELIVERANCE, I SOON REALIZED OUR DREADFUL FATE."

"OH NO! I left my purse and keys on the hall!" Kiha cried, face palming.

"SEEING THAT THE HALL HAD BEEN DRIVEN IN CLOSE TO THE SHORE, THE LASS AND I SWAM OUT TO SALVAGE WHAT WE COULD FROM ITS WRECKAGE."

"Hard to starboard, girl!" cried Kiha, riding on a tire pulled by a swimming Mewcutie.

"ONCE ON BOARD, WE TOOK STOCK OF WHAT REMAINED OF THE SHIP'S PROVISIONS..."

"WOO-HOO!" Cried Kiha as she discovered all the alchohole and pork rinds.

"USING THE SHIPS DECKING AND THE REMAINS OF THE TOPMAST, WE FASHIONED A RAFT AND BEGAN LOADING IT WITH FOOD, TIMBER AND TOOLS..."


"WHEN SUDDENLY WE HEARD A VOICE CRY OUT..."

"MMMWAH!!!" cried an unknown voice from down below.

"DASH MY MICROPHONES! IT WAS THE MYSTERIOUS HOTDOG, TRAPPED BELOW FLOORBOARDS!"

"Oh, look! If it isn't Mr. Yummy Pants!" cried Kiha, licking her lips.
"WOO-HOY! I seem to be experiencing some ketchup difficulty." cried Mr. Hotdog, rapped between the rope of a hammock.

"AFTER DISENCUMBERING THE HOTDOG, WE LOADED HIM ONTO THE RAFT AND HEADED BACK TO SHORE."

"Set another place for dinner, Samanthette!" cried Kiha, climbing off the raft and into the practice hall that they had landed on.
"Oh dear! The place is a mess! He could have sent a carrier pigeon to let me know that company was coming!" Cried Samantha, getting a dustpan and brush and sweeping the floor.

"AS WE SAT DOWN TO OUR FIRST MEAL IN OUR NEW SURROUNDINGS, THE HOTDOG REMAINED AS TASTELESS AS EVER..."

"So tell us, hotdog, what flavour are you?" Asked Kiha, bouncing Sek on her lap. "Er, um...actually, could you pass the Piper Nigrum, please, if it'sm not too much trouble?" said the hotdog too Behoimi. "You mean the black pepper? Here." Said behoimi, passing the pepper to the hotdog.

"LATER, MY BAND MATE MEWCUTIEHOLOMEW TOOK THE REMAINS OF THE SHIPS BOWSPRIT AND PLANTED IT ON THE PRACTICE HALL WHERE WE FIRST LANDED."

"I'll mark our time on the island by cutting a notch in this post for ever day we're here." Said Mewcutie, grabbing a knife and cutting a knotch into the post.

"WE THEN SET A SIGNAL FIRE ON THE BEACH ON HOPES OF ATTRACTING RESCUE..."


"...BUT WE SOON REALISED THAT THE SHORE WAS TOO FOGBOUND FOR THE SMOKE TO BE SEEN."

"Samantjorie?" called Kiha, placing a broken wheel on the fire. "I'm right here, Kiha!" Called Samantha, through some thick fog.

"THE HOTDOG EXPLAINED THAT WHAT WE WERE EXPERIENCING WAS A PHENOMENON KNOWN AS SEA FOG."

"FOG is nothing more than a cloud that has made contact with the earth. These 'earth clouds' form when water vapors conDENSE upon tiny hygroscopic particles. NG-HEY! Here, at the practice hall, breaking crowds produce a spray of salt PARTICLES. Consequently the greatest density of condensed salt water vapor, I.E. Sea Fog, occurs along the coastal GLAVIN!" Explained the hotdog, pointing to a white board. "Sea fog?" Asked Behoimi. "Yeah. I SEE fog!" said Mewcutie, pointing.

"THAT NIGHT WE SLEPT BARRICADED BY THE STERIOS, MICROPHONES AND DJS WE HAD SALVAGED FROM THE HALLWRECK."

"THE FOLLOWING MORNING WE SET OUT TO FIND A MORE SUITABLE LOCATION FOR OUR ENCAMPMENT..."

"Something close to lots of boys and fresh water would be nice." Panted Samantha, walking up a hill.

"...AND SOON CAME UPON A FRESHWATER STREAM AMONG A GROVE OF ENORMOUS MANGROVE TREES."


"FOLLOWING SERIOUS DELIBERATION, I DETERMINED THAT WE WOULD PERFORM HERE."

"I'm tired! Let's settle here." Said Kiha, lying down and wiping her forehead.

"AND THUS WE COMMENCED BUILDING A HOME AMONG THE LIMBS OF THE BIGGEST OF THE TREE."

"I do believe it's starting to sprinkle." Said Mr. hotdog as he helped lift some wood up to the tree.

"BRANCHES WERE CLEARED...."

"Uh-oh!" Said Kiha, sawing the branch she was sitting on.

KRAK!

"...A FLOOR WAS LAID, WALLS WERE BUILT..."

"Hmmm...I'm thinking jacquard drapes here and cafe curtains in the kitchen..." Said Samantha, looking at some torn cloth.

"...AND CANVAS SAILS FORMED A WATERTIGHT ROOF."

"That ought to do it! I think we're done." Said kiha, pulling the tight sailing cloth over the house as a roof.

"STANDING TOGETHER BEFORE OUR NEW HOME, I FELT IN MY BREAST A TREMENDOUS SWELLING OF PRIDE!"

"AND SO, WE BAND OF PEARLZ MADE A LIFE FOR OURSELVES. AND, NOTWITHSTANDING OUR FORTUITOUS FORAGING ENDEAVORS..."

"Look, Kiha... APPLES!" Behoimi said, running towards Kiha, holding apples. "And chestnuts!" Said Mewcutie, running with Behoimi to Kiha. "Careful, kids. Those things don't grow on trees, you know!" Kiha said, helping Samantha peg a washing cloth and giving a worried glance towards the teenagers.

"...I WAS NONETHELESS OBLIGED TO ENFORCE STRICT RATIONING TO ENSURE THAT OUR PROVISIONS LASTED AS LONG AS POSSIBLE."

"Looks like we're down to our last six...Mmm. Yum. Make that FIVE sea biscuits." Kiha said, from inside a barrel.

"PRESENTLY, MY DEAR FRIEND FOUND TREE HOUSEKEEPING TO BE ENDLESS TOIL AND DRUDGERY..."

"Oh! These awful snakes and insects!" Said Samantha, holding a sweeping brush with a snake wrapped around it, shrieking. "Strictly speaking, Mrs. Samantha, Spiders aren't insects... They're ARACHNIDS, with eight legs and the sticky webs and the, DEAR GOD, That's a lot of pain from the EATING...!" Said hotdog, tucking a piece of paper under his arm and staring after samantha.

"...AND THEN THE HOTDOG BEGAN OUTFITTING OUR HOME WITH THE MOST ASTOUNDING INVENTION."

"I believe I may be of some assistance. GUH-HEY! If we affix this fine mesh over the doors and windows thusly, it will allow light and air IN while keeping the native fauna OUT!" Said hotdog, already attaching as piece of the mesh to a window.

"THE HOTDOG CALLED HIS INVENTIONS 'LABOR SAVING DEVICES' AND 'HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.'"

"Look, Sam! A clothes-washing apparatus!" Said behoimi, wearing a sweatband. She was in a big wheel with rope wrapped around it, twisting against a big barrel with washing and soapy water in. It was an effect of cycling.

"The Whites are so white! And the colours so bright! How do you come up with all these marvelous contraptions, hotdog?" Asked Samantha, taking a white blanket out of the barrel.
"Er...Um... Well, I..." The hotdog fumbled, with his hands behind his back.

"EGAD! AT LAST WE DISCOVERED THE HOTDOG'S MAGICAL FLAVOUR!"

"SIGH. All right...If you must know, My flavour is elderly women!" Cried the hotdog, wiping his eyes with ketchup tears.

"ZOUNDS! A LIFE LIVED AMONG THE DREGS OF ELDERLY WOMEN!"

"GASP!" Samantha and Behoimi cried out, at the same time. Samantha shrieked, getting into a sailor moon-ish pose, behoimi, nearly falling off the cycling wheel, and biting her fingernails.

"AH! BUT THE INSTINCT FOR SURVIVAL IS SOCIETY'S GREAT LEVELER. WE WOULD HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL WE WERE BACK IN THE BOSOM OF OUR OWN PRIVILEGED PRACTICE HALL...AND THEN WE WOULD SHUN HIM!"

"SOB!" Cried the poor hotdog, looking away from the band.

"EVEN WITH ALL THE COMFORTS PROVIDED BY THE HOTDOG, OUR LITTLE HALL WAS FAR FROM PARADISE."

"Mmm... Microphone alcohol smoothie." Said kiha, relaxing on a bed, lying down, drinking from a microphone.

"THE LAND AND SEA REMAINED VEILED IN A PERPETUAL FOG AS THICK AS THE CIGAR SMOKE IN MY LADIES CLUB BACK HOME."

"Drat this blasted fog!" Exclaimed Kiha, from behind the fog.

"THE FOG HUGGED THE ISLAND THE WAY A DRUNKEN FAN HUGS A ROCKSTAR."

"Go out for a long one..." Said mewcutie, holding a coconut, preparing to throw it.

FOOMP

"Behoimi?" asked mewcutie, eyes half open, glaring into the fog. "I have it! Touchdown!" Came a voice from behind the fog. "Yeah, RIGHT!" Said mewcutie, still looking into the fog.

"ALL THE WHILE MY THOUGHTS TURNED TO FINDING SOME MEANS OF LEAVING THE ISLAND. AT LAST, I FIXED UPON THE IDEA OF MAKING A BOAT."

"A BOAT! Good one, brain! I would have never thought of that!" Said kiha, tapping on her head.

"THE INDIGENOUS TREES PROVIDED PERFECT HALL BUILDING LUMBER..."

"Stop, Kiha! Not THAT tree!" Yelled samantha, running towards Kiha as she nearly chopped down the tree their house was built on

"...A DEEP CAVE IN THE ROCKY CLIFFS AFFORDED EXCELLENT SHELTER FOR A WORKSHOP..."

"Let's see... I'll put the microphone there..." Said Kiha, exploring the cave.

"...AND WITH THE HELP OF THE HOTDOG AND MEWCUTIEHOLOMEW, I WENT ABOUT CONSTRUCTING A SKIFF IN WHICH WE MIGHT ESCAPE."


"BUT ALL OF OUR HARD LABOUR WAS FOR NAUGHT!"


"WHAT FOLLY IT WAS TO BUILD A BOAT TOO BIG TO FIT THROUGH THE CAVE'S ENTRANCE!"

"Oh no!" Cried Kiha, face palming.

"ONE DAY, WHILE STROLLING ALONG THE BEACH, I CAME ACROSS A SET OF LARGE FOOTPRINTS!"


"FOLLOWING THEM, I SOON SAW THAT THEY HAD BEEN JOINED BY A SECOND PAIR OF FOOTPRINTS!"


"AS I FOLLOWED THEM FURTHER, I SAW THAT YET A THIRD PAIR OF FOOTPRINTS HAD JOINED THE FIRST TWO!"


"ALARMED, I FLED BACK TO THE TREE HOUSE."

"YIIII! Three pairs of footprints! I could wind up six feet under!" Yelled Kiha, scrabbling up the rocky top, sweating, ditching her parasol.
"Run, Behoimi! We're not alone! There are OTHERS on the island!" Yelled Kiha, sweating and shrieking, running towards a lone behoimi.
"No, Kiha. LOOK!" Pointed behoimi, looking down the cliff.

CONTINUES AFTER IMAGE...

"You were just going around in a big circle following your own footprints!" Pointed Behoimi, angrily.
"Oh no! I thought we were being invaded by canananibals!" Cried kiha, looking down and facepalming.

"BUT, OF COURSE, THERE WAS ANOTHER 'THING' LIVING ON THIS ISLAND...THE EVERLASTING FOG!"

"This fog is a real pea souper!" exclaimed hotdog, glancing at Kiha as she took out a knife and started slicing through the fog.

SLICE!

"Mmm...Pea soupy!" munched kiha, eating the fog.

"WITH THE HOPE OF SIGHTING A SHIP ON THE HORIZON, MEWCUTIEHOLOMEW AND I CLIMBED A HIGH PROMONTORY. BELOW US STRETCHED THE UNINHABITED HALL, FRINGED WITH HEAVY FOG. A MANTLE OF LONELINESS PRESSED UPON US AS WE GAZED ON THIS SCENE OF UTTER SOLITUDE."

"Nope. Can't see a thing." Said kiha, holding the telescope over her closed eye.
"Try placing the telescope over your OPEN eye." Said Mewcutie, angrily.

"ALAS! THE FOG STAYED, BUT TIME MARCHED ON..."


CHUK!


"MY FRIEND BECAME LESS DISCRIMINATING. I DARE SAY, SHE BEGAN TO COARSEN."

"Mmm... Microphone alcohol smoothie." said Samantha, relaxing on a tree bed and closing her eyes.

"MY FRIENDS BECAME WILD AND SAVAGE."

"Tweak the hotdog! Make him squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!" Said Behoimi and Mewcutie, in tribal clothes, dancing around poor hotdog tied to a pole.
"Given that we few represent a microcosm of society that I, NG-HEY! A symbol of authority HOYVEN!, would be sacrificed once the inevitable descent into CHAOS begins." Said poor hotdog, shaking and quivering.

"THE TEENAGE BARBARIANS CONVENED A TRIBAL POWWOW AND ATTEMPTED TO VOTE ME, THEIR OWN BAND LEADER, OFF THE ISLAND."

"C'mon, Sekura! Take your thumb out of your mouth and VOTE!" Yelled Mewcutie angrily, pointing to Kiha.